i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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