Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
