he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
