I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
