sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Let's get the cat blown out
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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