There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
