I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
