at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
