Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
