so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
