Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
