just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
