I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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