She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dear god my vagina.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
