the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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