i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
