Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
