Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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