Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
