Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you had me at cake vodka
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
