I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
