just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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