Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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