I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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