you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My ATM looks so different sober.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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