Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
