I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
