Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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