I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
