I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
