I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
