Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
