You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
