wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
