I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
