I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
