I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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