After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
