I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In other news, I just burned my penis
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
