All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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