i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
