Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
