the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I deserve this hangover.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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