New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
