you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
