I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
