My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
