Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
