I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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