you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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