you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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