My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we're making bets on your personal life
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
