im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Found your dick twin last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
